the satanic jewel of mortality on the shores of Venice, too

anneboyer:

In approximately sixty hours, and for the second time, adriamycin and cyclophosphamide will be infused into my body through a plastic port surgically implanted into my chest and is connected to my jugular vein.  Adriamycin is named for the Adriatic Sea — it is also called Doxorubicin, and part of that  name comes from “ruby.”  I like to think of this then as the ruby of the Adriatic, where I have never been but would very much like to go, but also it is called “the red devil” and sometimes it is called “the red death,” so maybe it is like a satanic jewel of mortality on the shores of Venice, too.

In order to administer it, the chemotherapy nurse must dress in an elaborate protective costume and slowly, personally, push it through my port: because it destroys tissue if it escapes the veins, it is too dangerous to drip.  For several days after it is administered, my body’s fluids will be toxic to other people and corrosive to my body’s own tissues. It is sometimes fatal to the heart, has a lifetime limit of which I will reach, by the end of my treatment, 50%.

Adriamycin is also a Central Nervous System Toxin, and my brain mitochondria will most likely begin to die after three hours after its administration. This death will continue for up to twenty seven hours; then the white and gray matter of my brain will decrease.  There is no particularly way to know how this will change me: its effect is cumulative and only recently documented. Although the drug has been commonly used for over half a century, doctors did not believe women about its cognitive effects or minimized their complaints.   MRIs of other women with breast cancer suggest damage to the visual cortex, “significantly reduced activation of the left middle dorsolateral prefrontal cortex and premotor cortex,” and “ significantly reduced left caudal lateral prefrontal cortex activation, increased perseverative errors, and reduced processing speed.”  Women complain that they lose the ability to read, to recall words, to speak fluently, to make decisions, and to remember.  Some say they lose not just short term memory, but the memories of their past. These effects, which I was told were inevitable and for which nothing can be done except to be endured with “good humor,” can last throughout treatment, or for one year, or for ten or more.

For four days after the first treatment, I struggled to make decisions, process visual information, and understand written words.  Despite this, I wrote.  I wrote in my journal, in emails, on social media. My writing was done, then, by something that felt like word memory. Language was not something I could see with my eyes, but something I could excavate from another part of my brain, as if I had been keeping it in a shadow site of deep memory to which my hands had to reroute. 

By the fifth day, my mind begin to clear.  I read books, began to write with some ease, began to have my usual rush of ideas and insights.  But when I began to work on my manuscripts, I felt baffled by what I saw, as if I was no longer bright enough to understand myself as I had been even two weeks before. This alien complexity discouraged me. For as long as I had been alive, for each day I had ever worked, the work I once made always looked dull compared to whatever sparkling and promising thing I was making, what I knew I would make the next minute, the next year.  Every record of my mind every month ago always looked naive to me, who was a month smarter, had lived and read and practiced a month more.

For the first time in my life that mind of yesterday and its record looks impossible, seems made of parts of me that are gone for good, and will go again, and again, and again each time I sit in the infusion chair.

B Day | Untoward Magazine →

embfitz:

I’m linking my story here, but definitely read the rest of Untoward’s new issue. They do God’s work there, and I’m thrilled they’re back. (And “thrilled,” like “amazing,” is one of those words I generally avoid.)

Fun fact about this story: It works well as a Mad Libs. There are two slots for celebrities in it. Who you pick for them can change the story entirely, even if you don’t try very hard. Here are some to get you started:

Beyonce/Solange

Beyonce/Kelly Rowland

Channing Tatum/Burt Reynolds

Nikki Sixx/Mick Mars

Ariana Grande/Miley Cyrus

Any of the Kardashian sisters/Rob Kardashian or Bruce Jenner

Bret Michaels/Donald Trump

Erin is kind of burying the lede here, but go read her story about Beyoncé, which is great.

iwriteaboutfeminism:

Police continue to make arrests at Ferguson protest.

Part 4.

(via amyspalding)

Well, I said, wondering if that was what I was doing—asking for help. That was supposedly the first step in something, in making progress, in becoming a better person with fewer problems. Or wait—was it admitting you have a problem? But doesn’t everyone have problems? Isn’t waking up or drinking water or eating lunch admitting you have a problem?

Nobody Is Ever Missing, Catherine Lacey

amyspalding:

bearhatalice:

personal

Read More

This is very relatable, for me.

This is so important

captainsunbeam:

So I’m going through a kind of ridiculous job search, looking for work in a city I don’t even live in yet, basically throwing myself at anything that I might be able to do and hoping that somewhere, I’ll stick. And it’s a nightmare. I mean, obviously, you know that, if you’ve ever looked for work, and at least 75% of the people reading this are adult humans trying to survive in a capitalist society, so you probably have. ANYWAY in the midst of ramping up for a really fun panic attack over writing a cover letter for a job I actually want today, I remembered a little book called Let’s All Find Awesome Jobs by Kevin Fanning that I bought and read the last time I was looking for work. VERY HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. It’s pretty much exactly the advice you’ve always wanted someone to give you about looking for work but for some reason no one ever has. Also, it will manage to make you laugh even while you’re dry-heaving over the thought of writing yet another cover letter.

<3

captainsunbeam:

So I’m going through a kind of ridiculous job search, looking for work in a city I don’t even live in yet, basically throwing myself at anything that I might be able to do and hoping that somewhere, I’ll stick. And it’s a nightmare. I mean, obviously, you know that, if you’ve ever looked for work, and at least 75% of the people reading this are adult humans trying to survive in a capitalist society, so you probably have. ANYWAY in the midst of ramping up for a really fun panic attack over writing a cover letter for a job I actually want today, I remembered a little book called Let’s All Find Awesome Jobs by Kevin Fanning that I bought and read the last time I was looking for work. VERY HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. It’s pretty much exactly the advice you’ve always wanted someone to give you about looking for work but for some reason no one ever has. Also, it will manage to make you laugh even while you’re dry-heaving over the thought of writing yet another cover letter.

<3

(Source: erasing)

electricdoc:

jensenacklesmeltsmyheart:

electricdoc:

alonelyangel6:

electricdoc:

thesweetandawesomeqinn:

electricdoc:

stabble1234:

electricdoc:

slendersummerseve:

BITCH I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU



YOU’VE ANGERED THE WRONG FANDOM



You’re going down punk, just you FUCKNG WAIT!! You will learn that this fandom is far worse than you will ever want to know. We may seem soft and shy, but we’re just being NICE! We can be cold, cruel, mean, and make you suffer and wish you had never said what you said. We can send you into the farthest most empty reaches of the galaxy, summon demons to our disposal to make you suffer, and make you feel the feelings that we experience, and don’t fucking think for a single goddamn second that’s easy! The amount of emotions that would boil inside of you would literally kill you. So keep your motherfucking distance and we won’t hurt you, so stay the hell back, asshole. If you so much as insult us one more time, we will bring firey hell upon you and bitch slap you into oblivion. Your move, dildo.



We know how to kill a human and hide the evidence. Your body will never be found, and that is a promise.



You do realize a majority of the fandom are 20 somethings right? or at least in college. We can find you, kill you, and make it look like you killed yourself. Don’t try us :)

electricdoc:

jensenacklesmeltsmyheart:

electricdoc:

alonelyangel6:

electricdoc:

thesweetandawesomeqinn:

electricdoc:

stabble1234:

electricdoc:

slendersummerseve:

BITCH I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU

image

YOU’VE ANGERED THE WRONG FANDOM

image

You’re going down punk, just you FUCKNG WAIT!! You will learn that this fandom is far worse than you will ever want to know. We may seem soft and shy, but we’re just being NICE! We can be cold, cruel, mean, and make you suffer and wish you had never said what you said. We can send you into the farthest most empty reaches of the galaxy, summon demons to our disposal to make you suffer, and make you feel the feelings that we experience, and don’t fucking think for a single goddamn second that’s easy! The amount of emotions that would boil inside of you would literally kill you. So keep your motherfucking distance and we won’t hurt you, so stay the hell back, asshole. If you so much as insult us one more time, we will bring firey hell upon you and bitch slap you into oblivion. Your move, dildo.

image

We know how to kill a human and hide the evidence. Your body will never be found, and that is a promise.

image

You do realize a majority of the fandom are 20 somethings right? or at least in college. We can find you, kill you, and make it look like you killed yourself. Don’t try us :)

image

(via imunbreakabledude)

Watch Going Deep with David Rees Online - Free at Hulu →

mokin:

howtosharpenpencils:

If you click on that link, you can watch EVERY EPISODE of GOING DEEP for FREE on your COMPUTER.

You will learn:

- How to make ice cubes

- How to tie your shoes

- How to dig a hole

- How to flip a coin

- How to swat a fly

- How to open a door

- How to throw a paper airplane

- How to light a match

- How to climb a tree

- How to shake hands

Best of luck to you!

This is my new favorite TV show. David Rees is a hero and a champion. We should all strive to be more Rees-esque, to approach the world with such excitement, wonder, and curiosity. Besides teaching us how to tie our shoes and open doors, Going Deep with David Rees is a lesson in how to be a better human being.

Check it out!

My kids hate everything but they love this show (I also enjoy it)

amyspalding:

hearthfires-holocausts:

bramblepatch:

from Passing English of the Victorian Era
I’m gonna bring this back if it’s the last thing I do

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

UH WHY DID WE EVER STOP USING IT. I totally had the morbs today.

amyspalding:

hearthfires-holocausts:

bramblepatch:

from Passing English of the Victorian Era

I’m gonna bring this back if it’s the last thing I do

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

UH WHY DID WE EVER STOP USING IT. I totally had the morbs today.