I Knew You Were Trouble When You Swam By: The Erotic Tale of Harry Styles and a Great White Shark

hannanimal:

There’s a light, seductive breeze as Harry Styles, pop star, style icon and British person steps onto the beach. The sand, so hot in the heat of the afternoon has cooled in the moonlight and Harry shivers as his toes sink in. It’s well past midnight, but the sky is clear and the moon is full, bright enough that Harry can see the ocean clearly as it laps coquettishly at the shore.

Harry plods down the beach until he reaches the edge of the water. He’s exhausted, he’s had a long day of being compared to Mick Jagger. Not that Harry Styles minds the resemblance, but he bristles at the thought of spending an entire career making era-defining music only to have his legacy be a fucking Maroon 5 song. “No thank you,” think Harry Styles. “No thank you, kindly.”

He leaves his clothes in a pile on the sand and starts confidently towards the water. It’s cold. Not freezing, but cold enough to make all four of his nipples stand erect. Meanwhile, thirty yards off shore a shark swims languidly through the turgid Atlantic waters, blissfully unaware of Harry Styles letting his just-shorn testicles hang out in the breeze.

Harry wades into the water and when it reaches his first set of nipples he stops and closes his eyes. The night is quiet, the only sound high tide’s bawdy symphony. He flips onto his back and begins to swim, staring at the stars and wishing, not for the first time, for a tail like a proper mermaid.

Harry Styles, despite being relatively aware of his surroundings for a person and extremely aware of his surroundings for a pop star, remains oblivious to the shark swimming lecherously nearby.

The shark, being a shark, has no way of knowing that the legs dangling so tantalizingly in its periphery are in any way famous or swoon worthy. Sharks, after all, don’t swoon. They sometimes get sex drunk after eating too much bloated whale carcass, but they don’t swoon.

Harry notices the shark at the same moment the shark notices him. Harry freezes, the world seems to slow down and in that moment, nothing else matters. Nothing but the 17 feet of muscle and sex swimming towards him. The shark probably would have frozen too, if it could stop swimming, which it can’t, since sharks never stop swimming. Not ever. Not even for pop stars with nice legs and luscious hair.

Remember, sharks don’t feel. They don’t get sad, they don’t fall in love and they certainly don’t totally freak out about boys. That being said, the shark starts to get a tight feeling in its stomach, its heart starts to flutter and the area around its gills flushes. If the shark had the vocabulary, it would probably say it was super nervous.

The shark swims forward with false confidence, brushing its pectoral fin sensually along Harry Styles’ belly. Harry gasps and the shark worries its been too forward. Taylor Swift probably let Harry come to her. The shark is always doing this! It is not in a shark’s nature to dwell, however, and it curves in a slow, languid loop, turning back towards Harry, who is still bobbing seductively on the surface.

This time the shark dips lower and swims towards Harry Styles, turning at the last moment so its tail flicks against Harry’s hip. Harry Styles, sex symbol, millionaire and noted banana enthusiast giggles despite himself. He thinks two can play at that game as he runs his toe suggestively along the shark’s dorsal fin.

The shark is excited. It hasn’t felt so alive since it destroyed one of Chris Fallow’s styrofoam seals in 2011. The shark knows where this is going. Harry Styles knows where this is going. There’s no need for foreplay. The shark takes one last moment to take in the sight of Harry Styles, dancer, romancer and midnight prancer, as he salaciously treads water.

Harry wonders if the sharks knows it’s beautiful. He hopes so, because he doesn’t think sharks have ears and he’s not sure how to translate his chart-topping number one songs into panicked splashing. That’s the last thought Harry Styles has before the shark sinks its teeth into his pulsing abs.

The first bite is agony, but, like, sexy agony. The shark is overwhelmed by the desire to eat him quickly, but the shark also wants to take its time. This is probably its only chance to eat Harry Styles and it’ll be damned if it doesn’t take the time to savor every moment.

Harry, for his part, is unsurprised by the turn of events. He’s amazed it took this long for a pop star to be eaten by a shark. He hopes One Direction survives without him. Niall will have to be the cute one and the sexy one now. The shark is gnawing obscenely on his hip and Harry wonders if he’s the first boy the shark has eaten. He hopes so.

It could be minutes, it could be hours, neither Harry Styles or the shark is sure, both so consumed with each other, one much more literally. The rest of the ocean fades into a background rhythm of sea water, blood and an increasing amount of bone fragments. The shark eats Harry’s heart last, because it’s symbolic and romantic and also because it tastes the best.

Harry Styles and the shark only spend 37 minutes together. Three days if you count how long it takes the shark to digest him. Three days doesn’t seem like a long time, but in shark days, it was almost seven days, a shark week.

Everyone please read this.

hannanimal:

superopinionated:

hannanimal:

itsdlevy:

hannanimal:

I HELD A CHICKEN YESTERDAY. IT WAS VERY SOFT.

But was it delicious?

I can’t even get photographed with a chicken without everyone assuming I ate it. 

Hannah, I feel like we are pretty good friends, and yet I just do not have a handle on your day or activities AT. ALL.HOW DOES “CHICKEN-HOLDING” EVEN ENTER INTO THE POSSIBILITY SPACE OF YOUR LIFE?!

This is what I want on my tombstone.

NOT PICTURED: buncha city folk running around trying to catch a chicken and getting outsmarted at every turn

hannanimal:

superopinionated:

hannanimal:

itsdlevy:

hannanimal:

I HELD A CHICKEN YESTERDAY. IT WAS VERY SOFT.

But was it delicious?

I can’t even get photographed with a chicken without everyone assuming I ate it. 

Hannah, I feel like we are pretty good friends, and yet I just do not have a handle on your day or activities AT. ALL.

HOW DOES “CHICKEN-HOLDING” EVEN ENTER INTO THE POSSIBILITY SPACE OF YOUR LIFE?!

This is what I want on my tombstone.

NOT PICTURED: buncha city folk running around trying to catch a chicken and getting outsmarted at every turn

Twitter saved searches as of 09/29/2014 (c.f. everythinginthesky)

Twitter saved searches as of 09/29/2014 (c.f. everythinginthesky)

rachelfershleiser:

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng, Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson, After Birth by Elisa Albert, The Girls From Corona Del Mar by Rufi Thorpe, So Much Pretty by Cara Hoffman, Dept of Speculation by Jenny Offill, Nina MacLaughlin and her forthcoming book Hammer Head, Love Me Back by Merritt Tierce and Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. She also loves Meg Wolitzer, Maile Meloy, Helen Oyeyemi, Tana French, Rainbow Rowell, Emily Gould, Edan Lepucki, Elizabeth McCracken, Emma Straub, Roxane Gay, Jennifer Close, Katie Coyle, and Julie Buntin.
(via In Which We Signal Boost the Creations of Some Cool People)
In which I recommend a whole mess of books and authors.

This is a great list of books

rachelfershleiser:

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng, Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson, After Birth by Elisa Albert, The Girls From Corona Del Mar by Rufi Thorpe, So Much Pretty by Cara Hoffman, Dept of Speculation by Jenny Offill, Nina MacLaughlin and her forthcoming book Hammer Head, Love Me Back by Merritt Tierce and Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. She also loves Meg Wolitzer, Maile Meloy, Helen Oyeyemi, Tana French, Rainbow Rowell, Emily Gould, Edan Lepucki, Elizabeth McCracken, Emma Straub, Roxane Gay, Jennifer Close, Katie Coyle, and Julie Buntin.

(via In Which We Signal Boost the Creations of Some Cool People)

In which I recommend a whole mess of books and authors.

This is a great list of books

I always thought of Star Wars as the story of two slaves [C-3PO and R2-D2] who go from owner to owner, witnessing their masters’ folly, the ultimate folly of man.

Recent reviews of Kim Kardashian: Trapped In Her Own Game

OK I know you *think* you don’t care about a story about Kim Kardashian or her stupid game, but look: I’m working really hard on this, and I’m only telling you about it now because I don’t want you to be mad later that you could have been reading it sooner.

is also loading a gun

anneboyer:

pull your hair out by the handfuls in front of strangers in socially distressing locations: sephora, family court, the lobbies of banks, in whatever location at which you do your paid work, while in conversation with your landlord, at the gate of ft. leavenworth prison, however in the gaze of men.  leave clumps of your hair in the woods, on the prairies, in the quick trip parking lots, by the dumpster where you used to find your books, in front of every bar at which the conventionally feminine appearance earned you and your friends pitchers of domestic beer, at the intersections at which you waited for the light to turn.  for your own pleasure, put your head out the window of the car and let the wind blow the hair off your head.  let your friends cut locks of your hair off and tie the locks of it in black ribbons to give to other friends to leave in socially distressing locations: to scatter at ports, at national monuments, inside heroic architectures built to make ordinary people feel small and stupid, against harassers, rapists, and the police. pull your pubic hair out in large clumps from the root send it in unmarked envelopes to technocrats and oligarchs. leave your leg hair at the superfund site you once lived near. when your eyelashes fall out send them as a reverse wish to every person who has, at your illness, disappeared. your hair will fall out onto every surface you come near: it will fall into new alphabets and new words.  read these words to discover the etiology of your illness: know the new alphabets only spell “capital.” if you are lucky you will read another word that means “illness has turned you into an armament” and also in the bald spots, you will read strategies for how to weaponize every toxic and putrefying cell against what you hate and what hates you.  as you see a weapon in your falling hair also you will see your body as it falls is a weapon, also as it doesn’t fall.  in this new theory your friend will point out that caring for you is now to care for the arms. you have turned your bed into an armory: everyone who brings you a glass of water now is also loading a gun.

Honestly this is the look that would get me to spend actual money on K-Stars

(Source: livingheavenly)

kfan:

Air Shatters In The Car’s Small Room, by Donald Hall

kfan:

Air Shatters In The Car’s Small Room, by Donald Hall

staff:

Happy National Voter Registration Day, Tumblr.
The number one way of celebrating it? Registering to vote.
Every year, millions of eligible Americans neglect to register, which means that millions of important voices are utterly silent on Election Day. Don’t be one of them. There’s basically a 100% chance that something you care about is on the ballot, something you don’t want to be quiet about.
So be one of the loud ones. Register already. It’s an easy form that you already know all the answers to. No excuses.

I’m reblogging an official tumblr thing so you know this is real: it is super easy to register to vote, please do it if you haven’t already. There’s a critical election in the US this November and heavy shit is at stake. 

staff:

Happy National Voter Registration Day, Tumblr.

The number one way of celebrating it? Registering to vote.

Every year, millions of eligible Americans neglect to register, which means that millions of important voices are utterly silent on Election Day. Don’t be one of them. There’s basically a 100% chance that something you care about is on the ballot, something you don’t want to be quiet about.

So be one of the loud ones. Register already. It’s an easy form that you already know all the answers to. No excuses.

I’m reblogging an official tumblr thing so you know this is real: it is super easy to register to vote, please do it if you haven’t already. There’s a critical election in the US this November and heavy shit is at stake.