If I owned a bar the music would mainly be 60s soul music so there would always be dancing. In addition to regular alcohol it would offer a vast panoply of non-alcoholic beverages, both foreign and domestic. It would be the only non-Taco Bell location that served Mountain Dew Baja Blast for instance. The bartenders would not be dicks. They would be nice people who you wanted to be friends with, and they would have interesting conversation with you if you wanted. There would be appletinis, but it would be an ironic thing. The seating would be comfortable. There would not be any darts because they make me very nervous. There would not be any fruit machines because that would be too sad. People would have to dress nice, but not super nice. Like, not trying to impress everyone with their expensive outfits, but I think it’s awesome when guys wear a shirt and tie or ladies have a nice dress on, you know? Like, make SOME effort to not wear a t-shirt. There would be some food. Only a few greasy options, not everything all fried. A few vegan options. The bathrooms would be swanky and have good lighting and be extremely clean and sanitary. The music would be the right amount of loud so that it drowned out the things you wanted to not think about, but you didn’t lose your voice shouting into someone’s ear if you had something important to tell them. There might also be some rooms that were a little quieter for conversation. In fact there would be all kinds of little nooks and crannies in the layout of the bar so that the following day there would be conversations like “Did you see so-and-so in the blah blah blah room?” And you would be like “What??? There was a BLAH BLAH BLAH room???” The name of the bar would be Someone In This Crowd Might Love You.

Other bars:

The Pantomime Horse, Malcom’s, The Library, The Loftopolis, The Oncoming Storm.