In Case Of Actual Death

Heather handed me a poem she wrote.

Here, she said, Read this.

We were sitting on the thrifted couch in her apartment off campus. It was the end of the semester and the windows were wide open but useless against the Virginia summer night. 

I looked at the 4 or 5 stanzas. It was free verse. Something about nature and darkness. Something about loneliness and longing. I handed it back to her.

Cool, I said. That’s awesome.

Heather looked at me. No, she said, handing the poem back to me. Read this.

She was a year ahead of me. We’d been sitting next to each other on the first day of what turned out to be the world’s most difficult 200-level British Literature class, and quickly became each other’s life raft. We were supposed to be studying for the final but had somehow ended up drinking instead.

I looked at the poem again. Something about cicadas. Something about the full moon. Something about sex and the long summer night. 

Heather had a roommate who was majoring in modern dance. The last time I’d come over we’d bonded over her My So Called Life poster, but tonight she was out with her boyfriend, a white guy with dreads and a dog named Kenya or Nairobi or something. It was getting late and it was going to be a long walk back to campus. 

I handed the poem back to Heather. It’s really cool, I said. Poetry’s not my thing and I don’t know if I understand it, but I like it. It’s great.

Heather stared at me again, longer this time. No, she said, handing the poem back to me. Read this.

Kickstarter, and Being Your Creative Word

Matt Haughey wrote some really good words about Kickstarter and I wanted to throw my thoughts in. Because in theory I love Kickstarter! So much! People need help in order to make stuff. If their project sounds interesting to you, you help them. They make stuff, people are happy, the world is a better place. The end. 

In practice though, Kickstarter has been not something that I love at all. It has been something that has annoyed me, stressed me out, and fomented my already ongoing hatred of humanity more than any other website since Perez.

The problem with Kickstarter is this: You are asking for money. I give you money. Now you can finish your project. But was the money I gave you a donation, or an investment?

You could make a case for either side! A good one!

If it’s a donation, cool. I’m psyched about your project, I’m psyched that you’re psyched, and no matter what happens, best of luck in this and future endeavors. 

But in most cases Kickstarter projects have tiered structures where giving $X guarantees Y in return—which means the money I give you is an investment. I am a shareholder in your project, expecting a return on the money I gave you. I have an invested interest in the outcome of your project. 

But so what, who cares, what’s the difference?

The difference is that if I invest in your project, and we both agreed to a contract where my giving you $X guarantees me Y in return, you better finish that fucking project. If it’s not a donation, then in no way is it OK for you to take my money and disappear off the face of the earth.

Right? Seems basic? And really this is bigger than Kickstarter. People have been taking my money for projects that never ended up happening for as long as there has been an internet, and even longer. And it sucks, every single time. I want to be supportive of people doing interesting things, and every time I support a project that ends up going south, I am a little more hesitant to help out the next time.

“BUT,” you say. “Sometimes shit goes wrong! Sometimes the writer gets mad at the director and they can’t work it out! Sometimes the hard drive dies and there was a back-up but the back-up died! And frankly mutability is the nature of any creative endeavor! Sometimes you start off making a movie but it turns out you were actually making a comic book!” 

I know! And all of that is totally OK! It’s totally fine!

AS LONG AS YOU COMMUNICATE ABOUT IT.

If giving you $20 means at the end of a project I get a book, and I never hear from you again, guess what! Now you have a customer service problem. Because fuck you, I paid for a book. 

If giving you $20 means at the end of the project I get a book, and you send me a DVD, guess what! You still have a customer service problem. Because what is this DVD shit, I paid for a book.

It has been stunning to me, how many project owners seem to fall off the face of the earth once their project gets funded. Realize that it is practically hard-coded into the creative process that you end up miles from where you intended. But when that happens it is critical to keep your investors in the loop. We are riding shotgun with you on our project! Keep us in the loop as the landscape changes! Just an update every so often: “Dudes, sorry, here are the reasons why this is taking longer or becoming different from what you expected, thanks for hanging in there with us.” That’s all! 

(Although, also, I will gently argue, that if you are at the point in your project where you need $X to complete it, and you receive $X, you should do exactly what the fuck you said you were going to do. If you say you need $X to complete your project, but actually then it ends up changing in some huge significant way, you had no business asking for $X in the first place, and you wasted a lot of people’s time & good will. And next time, if you hope to rely on other people’s support again, you should do your level best to make sure you have your shit exactly in order.)

Because either way, without communication, you’re done. Even if you do eventually finish the project two years later, I am not going to be super psyched to see that book or DVD and be reminded of you. I’m still mad at you, remember? You already broke my trust, remember? Doing the bare minimum of what you were supposed to do however long ago does not earn it back.

When you have investors in your creative project, it is just as important to manage their expectations as it is to manage your project. You got all these dozens or hundreds of people excited about a project that for so long YOU were the only person excited about. There is an expiration date on that support. Manage it, or lose it. Otherwise where once you had so much good will headed in your direction, you will have an angry mob of unhappy customers, some super furious and in your face about it, some just super disappointed behind your back, and none of them in any way interested in supporting anything else you do, ever again, ever. 

If a transaction goes sour on Amazon or eBay, there is legal recourse for people to get their money back. There’s a safety net. Not so on Kickstarter, where it’s just promises, money, and your reputation on the internet. And unless you’re new around here, you know that money + bad experience + internet != happy smiles.  

But at its most basic level, this is not about Kickstarter, and it’s not about funding creative projects, and it’s not even about the internet! IT’S ABOUT HOW PEOPLE WHO LIVE TOGETHER ON THIS PLANET SHOULD BEHAVE TOWARDS EACH OTHER.

In this and all other instances of human interaction on this planet, here is what should happen:

1. Do the shit you say you are going to do.
2. If shit changes, have communication about it.
3. The end.

Please, creative humans, step your game up. Be realistic in your approach, be thoughtful in your interactions, and hold yourself to the standard you would hold others to, if it was your money you were investing. I don’t want to publicly call out any particular project like Haughey did but of course I am available by email or gchat to vent like the cattiest bitch ever.

Got in an argument with an 8 year old the other day. He was saying time travel was totally impossible. I was like WHAT. We were driving. This was me, staring straight ahead, 10-and-2-ing it, shouting into the windshield. He was in the backseat, stuffed between my kids. He says Yes it’s totally impossible, no way it could ever happen, something about there’s no way to speed up our leptons fast enough. I’m like SAYS WHO. He says Some guy on the radio. Well, there we go. I roll my eyes. I mean you’re going to make a sweeping declaration like that, have sources, pal. I started telling him something about 10 years ago and iPhones, which went nowhere. Kid had no frame of reference. I mean yes I know that I should not be interrogating my son’s best friend on a comment he made in passing during their own little conversation. And I mean I know he’s probably right. I’m not arguing that time travel DOES exist. I’m just saying, the larger principle here. How you are going to be 8 years old and already refusing to believe. AND: and. You want to hang out with my kids, don’t be introducing that nonsense around them. We celebrate time travel at our house. And ghosts. And metal ninjas, actually. I mean who knows, that’s the thing. That’s like the core value of my entire belief system. Who knows. And he’s attacking it. It’s just not in me to let something like that slide. But so fine, kid, I don’t want to live in your world, EVER. You’d still be welcome in ours. 

Brainblogging The Time I Dropped My Electric Razor In The Toilet

Stop crying.

Take a breath, Jesus, fuck. It’s not like you fell in the toilet.

Ugh OK now swallow the vomit right back down and stop thinking about being in the toilet.

Just fucking chill the fuck out. I don’t know how you’re going to shave either, but just relax for a second, we have a situation here.

I mean, it had been flushed previously? So technically this is as clean as it gets?

OK yes I know we’re not putting our hand down there, I was just mentioning facts.

Bread bags! 

Like you could put them on your hands to protect them. Sealed at the forearms with industrial-strength rubber bands.

No bread bags, fuck.

Here we go: chopsticks.

Yes you can. It’s just like Operation. Si se puede.

Don’t forget to hold your breath while you’re hovering over the toilet, so no errant molecules float up inside you.

And don’t forget to first bring the trash can closer to the toilet before you get started.

I know! All your least favorite things! Maybe someone’s dog could be trying to lick your face while you’re doing this?

OK: total concentration. Don’t think about dogs, open trash cans, toilets, or the time you smelled a garbage truck after it had been raining.

Aaaand whoops dropped it WATCH THE SPLASHBACK ARE YOU FUCKING MENTAL WITH THIS SHIT.

OK easy now.

You did it! Electric razor, into the trash!

Chopsticks, into the trash! Who cares if they’re the kind you’re supposed to wash and reuse! There are standards, even for Chinese take-out!

Hands, into the trash! OK not really, just alternate applications of bleach and Purell for 10 minutes.

Wow, check the heart rate, this might count as the most aerobic exercise you’ve had since your 20s.

So yeah, fuck it, we’re growing a beard.

Dear Internet—Something interesting happened on TV recently and I was waiting to see if you were going to talk about it but I guess not? I already mentioned it in an email to Josh, but I’ll go ahead and put it here anyway.

In S01E05 of The Whole Truth (“When Cougars Attack”) the B-plot involves Maura Tierney’s character being voted one of New York City’s sexiest female attorneys. She doesn’t want to be involved in the photo shoot, finds the whole thing degrading to women, but then another attorney convinces her it’ll be fun and they try on various outfits and she ends up having an OK time, the scene ending in a photo montage of her doing various poses.

As you will no doubt recall, this mirrors exactly the B-plot of S03E12 of Newsradio (“Rap”) where Maura Tierney’s character is voted one of New York City’s Cutest Reporters, and the whole entire exact same thing happens.

The Whole Truth did this homage totally straight-faced. I looked online to see if the episodes shared a writer or something, but no. I kept looking in the background of the scenes to see if there’d be a Super Karate Monkey Death Car or a character named “Tubalcain” or something, but no. It was just a thing that happened and I don’t know why, but it was too weird to be a coincidence and I appreciated it.

Anyways, thought I’d mention it.

PS you should rewatch that episode of Newsradio, because Lisa Miller’s outfit is super cute, plus it’s the one where Lisa goes “Beth, I’m on the phone,” and Beth goes “But I am on the MEGAPHONE.”

This post took me like 45 minutes to write. I honestly don’t know how you people write something on the internet every day.

Yrs etc
KF

Songs From Before the Internet

I was thinking about how before the internet, or more specifically when I was really young, if you heard a song that you really liked on the radio or MTV, owning that song involved a really complicated series of hurdles like 1) hoping your mom would bring you to Caldor or Zayre’s, and 2) hoping you somehow had $10, and 3) hoping against all odds that the record department wouldn’t suck and they’d actually have the one LP you wanted in stock, for once, just for god damned once.

I mean ask my mom about the time I finally stumbled on a copy of Golden Earring’s Cut. She will tell you. No Ah, youth wistfulness here, this is an area which has drastically improved with time and technology.

I remember one time, standing in the record section at Caldor and saying over and over again “Wang Chung, Points on the Curve, Wang Chung, Points on the Curve,” and the clerks in their brown vests just shaking their heads and looking at each other like, What words is this kid saying? I take a lot of credit for a lot of shit, and not always deservedly, but when I was 8 I had my act waaay more together than any of the teenagers working the record section at the East Hartford Caldor in the 1980s, the end.

Eventually I found the 45. Somewhere else. One day my friend JJ came over and we were listening to it and he said his parents didn’t let him listen to this song because it had bad words in it. I was like Uh, no there’s not. And I showed him the jacket, with the words printed on the back. And he took it and held it and he stared at it, scanning the lines over and over again, biting his thumbnail. And after a while he handed it back and was like Well, I’m pretty sure there are bad words in it somewhere. He needed to believe it, you know? His parents had constructed the world around him in a certain way that needed to keep making sense.

My mom was blessedly hands-off about that stuff. Every so often she would check in, like, “Is basically everything you’re listening to cool for you to be listening to?” And I was always honest, because whatever, she wasn’t up in my business. I came clean about there being a song on the J. Geils Freeze Frame album called “Piss on the Wall,” and I said But it didn’t matter because it was a terrible song and I wasn’t going to listen to it. (It was! And I didn’t.)

The one exception was in 6th grade when an older cousin saw that I’d written “Doug E Fresh” across the grocery bag cover of my math book. He took the opportunity to explain to my mom that perhaps some of his lyrics were, you know, questionable. Fucking narc. A) Like he ever listened to rap a day in his LIFE, plus B) I wrote Doug E Fresh’s name on my book because I liked “The Show” (except I didn’t even know the title of it, it was just “The Inspector Gadget Song” until the internet came along) and the lyrics to The Show are FINE, and C) FUCK YOU. TO THIS DAY. Spoiler alert he ended up being Republican. I mean sorry for the ad hominem, but it was 1986 and I’m still so angry.